You Know What’s Scary?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: You know what’s scary?

Me:

VIT: Sharks.

Me: ……

VIT: …and Alzheimer’s

VIT: They should make a movie about sharks and Alzheimer’s.

Me: They did, it was called Deep Blue Sea.

VIT: Oh…

VIT: They should not have made that movie.

Me: No.

VIT: What about sharks and tornadoes?


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Remember Ring Pops?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Remember Ring Pops?

Me: Nope.

VIT: It was this giant candy ring that you would suck on and they would get all sticky and the sugar spit would run down your hand all the way up to your elbow?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t recall.

VIT: Yeah, and you used to wear a candy necklace with it too.

Me: Doesn’t ring a bell.

VIT: And that wet string would just hang on your neck and you would have that rainbow-spit joker-smile on either side of your cheeks.

Me:

VIT: …and then you would wear the bracelet sometimes…

Me: OK I REMEMBER! YUCKKKKK!

VIT: ……

VIT: ………

VIT: You were a very sticky child.


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When I Die, I Am Going to Leave 75 Cents to a Hundred Different A-List Celebrities

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: When I die, I am going to leave 75 cents to a hundred different A-list celebrities.

Me: That’s a stupid waste of money.

VIT: No, it’s genius!

VIT: Want to know why?

Me: Not really.

VIT: Because they will all be so curious as to what kind of nut would leave them 75 cents in her will and they all come to my funeral.

Me: ……

VIT: … and all my friends will be like, “Holy shit! I didn’t know Tiara knew Antonio Banderas!”

Me: Good plan.

VIT:

VIT: ……

VIT: ………

Me: What?

VIT: Just calculating how many years you probably have left to live…


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Making Your Way in the World Today Takes Everything You’ve Got

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.

Me: Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.

VIT: Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Me: Sometimes you wanna go…

Me: WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME!
VIT: WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME!

Me: AND THEY’RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME!
VIT: AND THEY’RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME!

Me: You wanna be where you can see…

VIT: Troubles are all the same.

Me: You want to be where everybody knows your name.

VIT: ……

Me: ……

VIT: Whatever happened to pre-dict-ablity?

Me: We’re done.


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I Have a Great Idea for a Movie Script

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: I have this great idea for a movie script!

ME: That’s nice, we can write it in the morning.

VIT: I know that sometimes in the past, I have made things seem super important and like they needed to be dealt with immediately…

ME: Shhh. Sleep, sleep.

VIT: …and it turned out I just wanted to get you out of bed to make me a toaster struedel, but I am serious right now, this is important, please write it down, this is the best idea ever!

ME: ……

VIT: Please.

ME: Fine. What?!

VIT: Ok, this couple in the 1800s has a bunch of unmarried daughters and they aren’t doing so well financially and one of the daughters falls in love with a rich guy and the other daughter also falls in love with a rich guy, but they have a bunch of miscommunications because he is super arrogant and she is super biased…

ME: That is literally the plot to Pride and Prejudice.

VIT: … oh yea.

ME: Unbelievable.

VIT: Sorry….

ME: ……

VIT: Can I make it up to you with a nice hot toaster struedel?


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Humans Don’t Live Long Enough

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Humans don’t live long enough.

Me: Yeah. I agree.

VIT: Why don’t you think humans live long enough?

Me: Because there is so much to overcome, and so much to experience, and the pain and beauty in the…

VIT: Eyeliner.

Me: You just interrupte…

VIT: It’s taken me like 3 decades to get my eyeliner on straight.

Me: Here we go…

VIT: So if it takes me 3 decades to get a straight line of black ink onto my eyelid, I need to live to like 500 if I am expected to get any other shit done.

Me: That’s very deep. Well done.

VIT: …… That’s what she said.


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Remember That Time You Went to Victoria’s Secret?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Remember that time you went to Victoria’s Secret and the sales girl said that someone who had as much “considerable saggage” as you should look into the Body by Victoria line?

ME: Yes.

VIT … and you were wearing a Body by Victoria bra at the time?

ME: Yeah.

VIT: Let’s kill her.


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Do You Think People Actually Like Kombucha?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Do you think people actually like kombucha, or they just pretend to like it?

Me: Why would someone pretend to like kombucha?

VIT: Oh I don’t know, maybe for the same reason someone would pretend to like John Steinbeck.

Me: John Steinbeck is an amazing writer.

VIT: One that you pretend to enjoy.

Me: I do enjoy John Steinbeck!

VIT: Incorrect.

VIT: No one likes John Steinbeck

Me: I love John Steinbeck.

VIT: I think I have made my point.


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I Have Several Questions about Worms

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: I have several questions about worms.

Me: ……

VIT: I have several questions about worms.

Me: ………

VIT: Hey!

Me: What are your questions about worms?

VIT: Do worms have sex?

VIT: Do they give birth or lay eggs?

VIT: If they lay eggs, how many worms hatch out of a single egg?

VIT: I know that if you cut a worm in half it makes two separate worms; can the two sides of the cut-up worm have sex with each other?

VIT: Would both sides of the same cut up worm get pregnant or lay eggs?

Me: I don’t know the answer to any of that.

VIT:

VIT: ……

VIT: ………

VIT: I have several questions about cheese.


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