What Do You Think He Is Dreaming About?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: What do you think Keith is dreaming about?

Me: I don’t know, go to sleep.

VIT: I bet he’s dreaming of other women.

Me: He’s not dreaming of other women.

Me: ……

Me: … What other women?

VIT: I don’t know. Maybe Carol?

Me: Who the fuck is Carol?!

VIT: That’s exactly what I want to know!


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I Think the Neighbors Might Be Vampires

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: I think the neighbors might be vampires.

Me: For the love of God.

VIT: They are removing all the windows from their house!

Me: So?

VIT: So who does that? It’s deranged!

Me: Stop being so judgmental.

VIT: Oh, I’m sorry, now I can’t judge vampires?

Me: Oh brother…

VIT: They have been around for hundreds of years. Eating. People.

VIT: Not to mention all the other stuff…

Me: The other stuff?

VIT: You know, sparkling, and… fucking eating people.

Me: Please go to sleep.

VIT: I think we should move.

Me: What?

VIT: I AM NOT LIVING NEXT DOOR TO VAMPIRES!


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Who’s That Guy in That Movie?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

Me: Ugh, what time is it?

VIT: Oh good! You’re awake!

Me: No, I just…

VIT: Who’s that guy in that movie?

Me: Guy?

VIT: You know, the guy… Silver hair…

Me: I don’t know, Richard Gere?

VIT: What’s his name…

Me: Go to sleep.

VIT: He plays in that movie with that chick…

VIT: With the big smile and she’s a hooker.

Me: Richard Gere.

VIT: Damn! What’s his name?

Me: Richard Gere.

VIT: Mel Brooks? Mel Gibson? I know it starts with an M.

VIT: You know, the guy… kinda looks like a mouse and a lion had a beautiful baby that’s now in his 60’s?

Me: Richard Gere.

VIT: No… Alec Baldwin?

Me: That doesn’t start with an M.

VIT: ………

Me: ………

VIT: ……

Me: ……

VIT: I GOT IT! IT’S RICHARD GERE!

Me: Good job.


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Do You Think the Actor Who Plays Ronald McDonald Gets Paid Really Well?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Do you think the actor who plays Ronald McDonald gets paid really well?

Me: Who cares?

VIT: Like, is that his only job or do you think he is a mechanic who is also Ronald McDonald?

Me: He probably does other jobs too.

VIT: That would be a really weird side hustle.

Me: ……

VIT: Maybe he works at McDonald’s as a fry guy and they sometimes just make him be Ronald McDonald.

Me: Please go to sleep.

VIT: I wonder if he has any celebrity connections. Like, could he get a table at a fancy restaurant? Maybe he tries to wield his celebrity status and is all ‘Don’t you know who I am?” But he isn’t wearing his clown costume so people are like, “No.” And he’s like, “I’m Ronald fucking McDonald!”

Me: ……

VIT: ……

VIT: Hey, can you turn on the night light?

Me: Why?

VIT: …I’m afraid of clowns


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I’m in a Calming Meadow…

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

Me: I’m in a calming meadow…

VIT: What are you doing? I don’t like this…

Me: There is a waterfall and softly chirping birds…

VIT: STOP IT.

Me: I feel at peace and listen only to the sounds of my breathing.

Me: Innnnnnnnnnn…

Me: and ouuuuuuttttt.

Me: Innnnnnn and…

VIT: SQUACK!

Me: What the hell was that?

VIT: A bird.

Me: There are no birds! …And ouuuutttt

VIT: You said there were chirping birds.

Me: No I didn’t. There’s just the sound of the waterfall…

VIT: Pretty sure you said there were birds.

Me: Fine, but they aren’t fucking sqwuacking, they’re softly tweeting.

VIT: You know who else is softly tweeting?

Me: Innnnnnn…

VIT: Donald Trump.

Me: …and ouuuuutttt.

VIT: I bet you are going to have a sex dream about him.

Me: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!

VIT: DON’T EVER TRY TO MEDITATE ME AGAIN, BITCH!


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Is It Racist to Think Black People Are Beautiful?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Is it racist to think black people are beautiful?

Me: No…. Yes…. I don’t know.

VIT: Cuz, like, sometimes you see a really old black person and they are really beautiful.

Me: …What?

VIT: Ok, like you see ancient white people and they just look terrible. But black people, they just look beautiful all the time, even when they are 90.

Me: I really don’t think we should be talking about this.

VIT: Because of the sun.

VIT: ……

VIT: They have better sun tolerance.

Me: Ok, fine, black people are beautiful and have good, sun-resistant skin.

VIT: Racist.


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