It’s Really Bad for Your Breasts

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: You know, you shouldn’t be sleeping on your side. It’s really bad for your breasts.

Me: My breasts?

VIT: Yeah, and your eyelashes.

Me: My breasts and my eyelashes?

VIT: Yeah. It gives you sagging breasts and breaks your eyelashes.

Me: Fine.

VIT: ……

VIT: You know you really shouldn’t be sleeping on your belly…

VIT: …bad for the spine.

Me: Shhh!

VIT: …and it gives you wrinkles. And it could kill you!

Me: Fine!

VIT: ……

VIT: ……

VIT: You know, sleeping on your back always makes you snore.

VIT: …and then you wake yourself up with your snoring and you have that crusty, dry throat.

Me: What the hell do you want me to do?!

VIT: Let’s watch Lord of the Rings!

If I Were a Serial Killer

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: If I were a serial killer…

Me: Stop. Right. There.

VIT: ……

VIT: If I were a serial killer, I would kill people with nuts.

Me: You’re out of your mind.

VIT: Yeah! I would find people with nut allergies and rub nuts all over them so that the headlines would be, “SERIAL KILLER TERRORIZES TOWN WITH NUTS.”

VIT: …or “KILLER RUBS NUTS ON HELPLESS VICTIMS.”

Me: That’s sick.

You Know What I Hate?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: You know what I hate?

Me: ……

VIT: The term “Jill off.”

Me: Like “jerk off” for girls? What’s wrong with it?

VIT: It just bothers me.

Me: Go to sleep.

VIT: You just can’t put “Jill” in front of everything to indicate that it’s the girl version.

Me: Ok, that’s fine, no Jills. Go to sleep.

VIT: Ok. Don’t let the bed Jills bite!

VIT: Maybe you will get a visit from the sand Jill.

VIT: Actually it’s not there to replace “jerk off” but “jack off”.

Me: Jesus.

VIT: So I guess that’s fine.

VIT: ……You know what else bothers me?

Me: ……What!?

VIT: Terrorism.


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When I Retire I Want to Take Up Pumpkinery

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: When I retire I think I want to take up pumpkinery.

Me: You do that.

Me: ……

Me: …Pumpkinery?

VIT: Yeah, and snowmanery.

Me: ……

Me: I know I am going to regret this but, what?

VIT: You know, people who are really good at carving pumpkins and building snowmen. It’s festive and artistic.

Me: Sure, makes sense. Night night.

VIT: ……And hedgery.

Me: Mhmmm. Sounds good.

VIT: ……

VIT: and dolphinery.

Me: THAT’S NOT A WORD!

This Pillow Is Really Uncomfortable

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: This pillow is really uncomfortable.

Me: It’s fine. Go to sleep.

VIT: Fluff it for me.

Me: Fine. There, I fluffed it.

VIT: I mean, how old is it anyway?

Me: Who cares?

VIT: You know that pillows, like, quadruple in weight every day because they get so full of dust mites, right?

Me: They do not quadruple in weight every day.

VIT: That’s what the guy at Denver Mattress said.

Me: I think you misheard.

VIT: No, I’m pretty sure he said it quadruples.

Me: If it quadrupled in weight every day, this pillow would weigh like, 120 pounds. It doesn’t, so go to sleep.

VIT: ……

VIT: I wish I weighed 120 pounds…

I’m Pretty Sure You Left the Stove On

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: I’m pretty sure you left the stove on.

Me: No I didn’t.

VIT: Mmmm, yeah, pretty sure you did.

Me: Go to sleep.

VIT: In this death trap of a house?

Me: It’s not a death trap.

VIT: Just go check.

Me: No.

VIT: …are you really willing to bet your life on not having turned off the stove?

Me: Yes.

VIT: You always leave things on. Remember the curling iron?

VIT: And the car that one time?

Me: ……

VIT: Are you willing to bet your husband’s life? He’s in the house too.

Me: Yes.

VIT: YOU. MONSTER.

Me: Listen! I didn’t use the fucking stove today. We had lunch at the restaurant and we had dinner at Katie’s house and we had cereal for breakfast and yesterday we were out of town. So if the house was going to burn down, it would have been during the four days we weren’t here, but it didn’t because it’s NOT ON. OK?

VIT: ……

VIT: Yea, I’m still going to need you to check it…

Here’s the Story

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Here’s the story.

Me: Huh?

VIT: Of a man named Brady.

Me: Oh Christ.

VIT: Who was bringing up three very hairy boys.

Me: Those aren’t the words.

VIT: Each one of them looked a lot like the other.

VIT: They looked like garden gnomes.

Me: That’s not…

VIT: Until one day when this lady met this fellow.

Me: That’s not even the correct order.

VIT: And she had some blonde kids of her own.

VIT: Muh bleh muhff ee blahaha la da da dada… and they were all alone.

Me: Are you done?

VIT: ……….

VIT: ……….

VIT: So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyyy… 👏👏👏👏