Did You Hear That?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Did you hear that?

Me: I don’t hear anything.

VIT: Keith is snoring!

VIT: Oh!

VIT: My!

VIT: GOD!

VIT: Make it stop!

Me: Keith, roll over.

Keith: 😴

VIT: That did not work.

VIT: ……

VIT: at all…

VIT:

VIT: Shake the shit out of him!

Me: Fine!

Keith: 😴

VIT: Oh my god!!! It’s so loud!

Me: Just ignore it.

VIT: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

VIT: KILL HIM!

Me: I can’t kill him!

VIT: Why not?!

Me: BECAUSE HE PAYS THE BILLS!

VIT: THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE!


 

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You’re Laying on Something

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: You’re laying on something.

Me: I’m not laying on anything. Go to sleep.

VIT: Yes you are.

VIT: You can’t feel that?

Me: Ok, yes, ugh, what the hell am I laying on?

VIT: Oh….

Me: What?

VIT: …It’s your back fat.

Me: WHAT?!

VIT: Yeah, you’re laying on your own back fat.

Me: I’M NOT LAYING ON MY OWN BACK FAT!

VIT: Mmmm, I’m afraid so.

Me: Fucking fuck.

Me:

Me: ……!!

Me: ………!!!

Me: Oh God, it’s just the sheet. It’s all balled up!

VIT: Likely story…

Could You Please Not Sleep with Your Feet off the Bed

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Could you please not sleep with your feet off the bed?

Me: I’m hot.

VIT: … and what, the air is colder off the bed?

Me: Yes.

VIT: Just bring them back in.

Me: Why?

VIT: I don’t want to say…

Me: Jesus.

VIT: It’s just an unwholesome thing to do.

Me: Go to sleep.

VIT: ……

VIT: …… It’s Chucky.

Me: Chucky?

VIT: Yeah.

Me: Chucky? The killer doll from the 80’s movies?

VIT: That’s correct. He may be under the bed.

Me: ……

Me: ………

Me: … Yeah, alright.


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What Do You Think He Is Dreaming About?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: What do you think Keith is dreaming about?

Me: I don’t know, go to sleep.

VIT: I bet he’s dreaming of other women.

Me: He’s not dreaming of other women.

Me: ……

Me: … What other women?

VIT: I don’t know. Maybe Carol?

Me: Who the fuck is Carol?!

VIT: That’s exactly what I want to know!


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I Think the Neighbors Might Be Vampires

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: I think the neighbors might be vampires.

Me: For the love of God.

VIT: They are removing all the windows from their house!

Me: So?

VIT: So who does that? It’s deranged!

Me: Stop being so judgmental.

VIT: Oh, I’m sorry, now I can’t judge vampires?

Me: Oh brother…

VIT: They have been around for hundreds of years. Eating. People.

VIT: Not to mention all the other stuff…

Me: The other stuff?

VIT: You know, sparkling, and… fucking eating people.

Me: Please go to sleep.

VIT: I think we should move.

Me: What?

VIT: I AM NOT LIVING NEXT DOOR TO VAMPIRES!


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Who’s That Guy in That Movie?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

Me: Ugh, what time is it?

VIT: Oh good! You’re awake!

Me: No, I just…

VIT: Who’s that guy in that movie?

Me: Guy?

VIT: You know, the guy… Silver hair…

Me: I don’t know, Richard Gere?

VIT: What’s his name…

Me: Go to sleep.

VIT: He plays in that movie with that chick…

VIT: With the big smile and she’s a hooker.

Me: Richard Gere.

VIT: Damn! What’s his name?

Me: Richard Gere.

VIT: Mel Brooks? Mel Gibson? I know it starts with an M.

VIT: You know, the guy… kinda looks like a mouse and a lion had a beautiful baby that’s now in his 60’s?

Me: Richard Gere.

VIT: No… Alec Baldwin?

Me: That doesn’t start with an M.

VIT: ………

Me: ………

VIT: ……

Me: ……

VIT: I GOT IT! IT’S RICHARD GERE!

Me: Good job.


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