It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Is it “I’m going to put a thong on,” or “I’m going to put a thong in?”
Me: Ewww, go to sleep.
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Author: Insomnia Girl
You Know Those Things You Should Remember?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: You know those things that you should remember, because they make it seem really important, but then you forget them instantly?
Me: Go to sleep.
VIT: Like all the triangles.
Me: The triangles?
VIT: Yeah, there’s a shit ton of triangles.
Me: Fine.
VIT: Like acute.
VIT: And scalene.
Me: Please stop naming triangles.
VIT: … and isosceles.
Me: Shut. Up.
VIT: ……
VIT: Isosceles would be a really great name for a boy.
Me: …… Ok, yes, it would.
VIT: Isosceles Shelley
VIT: …….
VIT: ……….
VIT: Let’s have a baby!
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So You’re Taking a Nap, Huh?
It’s 2:00 p.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: So, uhhh, you’re taking a nap, huh?
Me: Yep.
VIT: That’s good. I’m glad you can take a nap when there’s that thing you have to do.
Me: Thing?
VIT: Well, things.
Me: What things?
VIT: No, no. Don’t you worry about it. You are sleeping.
Me: Ok.
VIT: In the middle of the day.
VIT: ….
VIT: ….. A weekday.
Me: ……
VIT: …… It’s a good thing. Self care, relaxation, the ultimate downfall of your entire day… Please, continue your selfishness.
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When Was Peanut Butter Invented?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: When was peanut butter invented?
Me: I don’t know… the 1850s?
VIT: Wow. That’s really sad.
VIT: What was even the point of living before peanut butter?
Me: Maybe the 1890s…
VIT: That’s even worse!
VIT: That’s like, 100 million years of no. peanut. butter.
Me: Humans have not been around that long.
VIT: How long have they been around?
Me: Like, 5 million years.
VIT: ……
VIT: That’s still way too long to go without peanut butter.
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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Damn It.
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
Me: 🐑
Me: 🐑 🐑
Me: 🐑 🐑 🐑
Me: 🐑 🐑 🐑 🐑
Me: 🐑 🐑 🐑 🐑 🐑
VIT: 🦀!
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Ahahaha!
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Ahahaha!
Me: ……
VIT: Ahahahahahahahahaha!
Me: …
VIT: Ah.
VIT: ……
VIT: Bwahahahahahaha!
Me: Ok, what the hell is so funny?
VIT: I just developed a new phobia.
Me: What?!
Me: What is it?
VIT: You’ll know when it happens.
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Did You Hear That?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Did you hear that?
Me: I don’t hear anything.
VIT: Keith is snoring!
VIT: Oh!
VIT: My!
VIT: GOD!
VIT: Make it stop!
Me: Keith, roll over.
Keith: 😴
VIT: That did not work.
VIT: ……
VIT: at all…
VIT: …
VIT: Shake the shit out of him!
Me: Fine!
Keith: 😴
VIT: Oh my god!!! It’s so loud!
Me: Just ignore it.
VIT: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
VIT: KILL HIM!
Me: I can’t kill him!
VIT: Why not?!
Me: BECAUSE HE PAYS THE BILLS!
VIT: THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE!
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You’re Laying on Something
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: You’re laying on something.
Me: I’m not laying on anything. Go to sleep.
VIT: Yes you are.
VIT: You can’t feel that?
Me: Ok, yes, ugh, what the hell am I laying on?
VIT: Oh….
Me: What?
VIT: …It’s your back fat.
Me: WHAT?!
VIT: Yeah, you’re laying on your own back fat.
Me: I’M NOT LAYING ON MY OWN BACK FAT!
VIT: Mmmm, I’m afraid so.
Me: Fucking fuck.
Me: …
Me: ……!!
Me: ………!!!
Me: Oh God, it’s just the sheet. It’s all balled up!
VIT: Likely story…
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Could You Please Not Sleep with Your Feet off the Bed
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Could you please not sleep with your feet off the bed?
Me: I’m hot.
VIT: … and what, the air is colder off the bed?
Me: Yes.
VIT: Just bring them back in.
Me: Why?
VIT: I don’t want to say…
Me: Jesus.
VIT: It’s just an unwholesome thing to do.
Me: Go to sleep.
VIT: ……
VIT: …… It’s Chucky.
Me: Chucky?
VIT: Yeah.
Me: Chucky? The killer doll from the 80’s movies?
VIT: That’s correct. He may be under the bed.
Me: ……
Me: ………
Me: … Yeah, alright.
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Waz happenin’?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Waz happenin’?
Me: Shhh shh shh, it’s just the alcohol. Go to sleep.
VIT: Why is it the way it is, then?
Me: It’s supposed to make you quiet.
VIT: So you know what I told him?!
Me: Or…completely incoherent…apparently.
VIT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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