Do You Think the Actor Who Plays Ronald McDonald Gets Paid Really Well?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Do you think the actor who plays Ronald McDonald gets paid really well?

Me: Who cares?

VIT: Like, is that his only job or do you think he is a mechanic who is also Ronald McDonald?

Me: He probably does other jobs too.

VIT: That would be a really weird side hustle.

Me: ……

VIT: Maybe he works at McDonald’s as a fry guy and they sometimes just make him be Ronald McDonald.

Me: Please go to sleep.

VIT: I wonder if he has any celebrity connections. Like, could he get a table at a fancy restaurant? Maybe he tries to wield his celebrity status and is all ‘Don’t you know who I am?” But he isn’t wearing his clown costume so people are like, “No.” And he’s like, “I’m Ronald fucking McDonald!”

Me: ……

VIT: ……

VIT: Hey, can you turn on the night light?

Me: Why?

VIT: …I’m afraid of clowns


Follow Insomnia Girl on Facebook.

I’m in a Calming Meadow…

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

Me: I’m in a calming meadow…

VIT: What are you doing? I don’t like this…

Me: There is a waterfall and softly chirping birds…

VIT: STOP IT.

Me: I feel at peace and listen only to the sounds of my breathing.

Me: Innnnnnnnnnn…

Me: and ouuuuuuttttt.

Me: Innnnnnn and…

VIT: SQUACK!

Me: What the hell was that?

VIT: A bird.

Me: There are no birds! …And ouuuutttt

VIT: You said there were chirping birds.

Me: No I didn’t. There’s just the sound of the waterfall…

VIT: Pretty sure you said there were birds.

Me: Fine, but they aren’t fucking sqwuacking, they’re softly tweeting.

VIT: You know who else is softly tweeting?

Me: Innnnnnn…

VIT: Donald Trump.

Me: …and ouuuuutttt.

VIT: I bet you are going to have a sex dream about him.

Me: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!

VIT: DON’T EVER TRY TO MEDITATE ME AGAIN, BITCH!


Follow Insomnia Girl on Facebook.

Is It Racist to Think Black People Are Beautiful?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Is it racist to think black people are beautiful?

Me: No…. Yes…. I don’t know.

VIT: Cuz, like, sometimes you see a really old black person and they are really beautiful.

Me: …What?

VIT: Ok, like you see ancient white people and they just look terrible. But black people, they just look beautiful all the time, even when they are 90.

Me: I really don’t think we should be talking about this.

VIT: Because of the sun.

VIT: ……

VIT: They have better sun tolerance.

Me: Ok, fine, black people are beautiful and have good, sun-resistant skin.

VIT: Racist.


Follow Insomnia Girl on Facebook.

It’s Really Bad for Your Breasts

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: You know, you shouldn’t be sleeping on your side. It’s really bad for your breasts.

Me: My breasts?

VIT: Yeah, and your eyelashes.

Me: My breasts and my eyelashes?

VIT: Yeah. It gives you sagging breasts and breaks your eyelashes.

Me: Fine.

VIT: ……

VIT: You know you really shouldn’t be sleeping on your belly…

VIT: …bad for the spine.

Me: Shhh!

VIT: …and it gives you wrinkles. And it could kill you!

Me: Fine!

VIT: ……

VIT: ……

VIT: You know, sleeping on your back always makes you snore.

VIT: …and then you wake yourself up with your snoring and you have that crusty, dry throat.

Me: What the hell do you want me to do?!

VIT: Let’s watch Lord of the Rings!


Follow Insomnia Girl on Facebook.

If I Were a Serial Killer

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: If I were a serial killer…

Me: Stop. Right. There.

VIT: ……

VIT: If I were a serial killer, I would kill people with nuts.

Me: You’re out of your mind.

VIT: Yeah! I would find people with nut allergies and rub nuts all over them so that the headlines would be, “SERIAL KILLER TERRORIZES TOWN WITH NUTS.”

VIT: …or “KILLER RUBS NUTS ON HELPLESS VICTIMS.”

Me: That’s sick.


Follow Insomnia Girl on Facebook.

You Know What I Hate?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: You know what I hate?

Me: ……

VIT: The term “Jill off.”

Me: Like “jerk off” for girls? What’s wrong with it?

VIT: It just bothers me.

Me: Go to sleep.

VIT: You just can’t put “Jill” in front of everything to indicate that it’s the girl version.

Me: Ok, that’s fine, no Jills. Go to sleep.

VIT: Ok. Don’t let the bed Jills bite!

VIT: Maybe you will get a visit from the sand Jill.

VIT: Actually it’s not there to replace “jerk off” but “jack off”.

Me: Jesus.

VIT: So I guess that’s fine.

VIT: ……You know what else bothers me?

Me: ……What!?

VIT: Terrorism.


Follow us on Facebook.

When I Retire I Want to Take Up Pumpkinery

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: When I retire I think I want to take up pumpkinery.

Me: You do that.

Me: ……

Me: …Pumpkinery?

VIT: Yeah, and snowmanery.

Me: ……

Me: I know I am going to regret this but, what?

VIT: You know, people who are really good at carving pumpkins and building snowmen. It’s festive and artistic.

Me: Sure, makes sense. Night night.

VIT: ……And hedgery.

Me: Mhmmm. Sounds good.

VIT: ……

VIT: and dolphinery.

Me: THAT’S NOT A WORD!


Follow Insomnia Girl on Facebook.

This Pillow Is Really Uncomfortable

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: This pillow is really uncomfortable.

Me: It’s fine. Go to sleep.

VIT: Fluff it for me.

Me: Fine. There, I fluffed it.

VIT: I mean, how old is it anyway?

Me: Who cares?

VIT: You know that pillows, like, quadruple in weight every day because they get so full of dust mites, right?

Me: They do not quadruple in weight every day.

VIT: That’s what the guy at Denver Mattress said.

Me: I think you misheard.

VIT: No, I’m pretty sure he said it quadruples.

Me: If it quadrupled in weight every day, this pillow would weigh like, 120 pounds. It doesn’t, so go to sleep.

VIT: ……

VIT: I wish I weighed 120 pounds…


Follow Insomnia Girl on Facebook.