So You’re Taking a Nap, Huh?

It’s 2:00 p.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: So, uhhh, you’re taking a nap, huh?

Me: Yep.

VIT: That’s good. I’m glad you can take a nap when there’s that thing you have to do.

Me: Thing?

VIT: Well, things.

Me: What things?

VIT: No, no. Don’t you worry about it. You are sleeping.

Me: Ok.

VIT: In the middle of the day.

VIT: ….

VIT: ….. A weekday.

Me: ……

VIT: …… It’s a good thing. Self care, relaxation, the ultimate downfall of your entire day… Please, continue your selfishness.


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When Was Peanut Butter Invented?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: When was peanut butter invented?

Me: I don’t know… the 1850s?

VIT: Wow. That’s really sad.

VIT: What was even the point of living before peanut butter?

Me: Maybe the 1890s…

VIT: That’s even worse!

VIT: That’s like, 100 million years of no. peanut. butter.

Me: Humans have not been around that long.

VIT: How long have they been around?

Me: Like, 5 million years.

VIT: ……

VIT: That’s still way too long to go without peanut butter.


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Did You Hear That?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Did you hear that?

Me: I don’t hear anything.

VIT: Keith is snoring!

VIT: Oh!

VIT: My!

VIT: GOD!

VIT: Make it stop!

Me: Keith, roll over.

Keith: 😴

VIT: That did not work.

VIT: ……

VIT: at all…

VIT:

VIT: Shake the shit out of him!

Me: Fine!

Keith: 😴

VIT: Oh my god!!! It’s so loud!

Me: Just ignore it.

VIT: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

VIT: KILL HIM!

Me: I can’t kill him!

VIT: Why not?!

Me: BECAUSE HE PAYS THE BILLS!

VIT: THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE!


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You’re Laying on Something

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: You’re laying on something.

Me: I’m not laying on anything. Go to sleep.

VIT: Yes you are.

VIT: You can’t feel that?

Me: Ok, yes, ugh, what the hell am I laying on?

VIT: Oh….

Me: What?

VIT: …It’s your back fat.

Me: WHAT?!

VIT: Yeah, you’re laying on your own back fat.

Me: I’M NOT LAYING ON MY OWN BACK FAT!

VIT: Mmmm, I’m afraid so.

Me: Fucking fuck.

Me:

Me: ……!!

Me: ………!!!

Me: Oh God, it’s just the sheet. It’s all balled up!

VIT: Likely story…

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Could You Please Not Sleep with Your Feet off the Bed

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: Could you please not sleep with your feet off the bed?

Me: I’m hot.

VIT: … and what, the air is colder off the bed?

Me: Yes.

VIT: Just bring them back in.

Me: Why?

VIT: I don’t want to say…

Me: Jesus.

VIT: It’s just an unwholesome thing to do.

Me: Go to sleep.

VIT: ……

VIT: …… It’s Chucky.

Me: Chucky?

VIT: Yeah.

Me: Chucky? The killer doll from the 80’s movies?

VIT: That’s correct. He may be under the bed.

Me: ……

Me: ………

Me: … Yeah, alright.


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What Do You Think He Is Dreaming About?

It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:

VIT: What do you think Keith is dreaming about?

Me: I don’t know, go to sleep.

VIT: I bet he’s dreaming of other women.

Me: He’s not dreaming of other women.

Me: ……

Me: … What other women?

VIT: I don’t know. Maybe Carol?

Me: Who the fuck is Carol?!

VIT: That’s exactly what I want to know!


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