It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Mastur…
Me: Shhhh!
VIT: ……
VIT: …bate.
VIT: ………
VIT: Masturbate.
Me: ……
Me: ………
Me: ….. damnit.
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What Do You Think He Is Dreaming About?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: What do you think Keith is dreaming about?
Me: I don’t know, go to sleep.
VIT: I bet he’s dreaming of other women.
Me: He’s not dreaming of other women.
Me: ……
Me: … What other women?
VIT: I don’t know. Maybe Carol?
Me: Who the fuck is Carol?!
VIT: That’s exactly what I want to know!
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You Know What Would Totally Make a Million Dollars?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: OMG, you know what would totally make a million dollars?
Me: ……
Me: Ok… what?
Me: ………
Me: Hey… what would make a million dollars?
Me: ………
Me: Hey!
Me: God damn it.
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I Think the Neighbors Might Be Vampires
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: I think the neighbors might be vampires.
Me: For the love of God.
VIT: They are removing all the windows from their house!
Me: So?
VIT: So who does that? It’s deranged!
Me: Stop being so judgmental.
VIT: Oh, I’m sorry, now I can’t judge vampires?
Me: Oh brother…
VIT: They have been around for hundreds of years. Eating. People.
VIT: Not to mention all the other stuff…
Me: The other stuff?
VIT: You know, sparkling, and… fucking eating people.
Me: Please go to sleep.
VIT: I think we should move.
Me: What?
VIT: I AM NOT LIVING NEXT DOOR TO VAMPIRES!
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That Better Be Sheep You’re Counting
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: 15, 16…
Me: ……
VIT: 17, 18…
VIT: 19.
Me: That better be sheep you’re counting.
VIT: Nope.
VIT: 20, 21…
VIT: Pounds you’ve gained since high school.
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Who’s That Guy in That Movie?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
Me: Ugh, what time is it?
VIT: Oh good! You’re awake!
Me: No, I just…
VIT: Who’s that guy in that movie?
Me: Guy?
VIT: You know, the guy… Silver hair…
Me: I don’t know, Richard Gere?
VIT: What’s his name…
Me: Go to sleep.
VIT: He plays in that movie with that chick…
VIT: With the big smile and she’s a hooker.
Me: Richard Gere.
VIT: Damn! What’s his name?
Me: Richard Gere.
VIT: Mel Brooks? Mel Gibson? I know it starts with an M.
VIT: You know, the guy… kinda looks like a mouse and a lion had a beautiful baby that’s now in his 60’s?
Me: Richard Gere.
VIT: No… Alec Baldwin?
Me: That doesn’t start with an M.
VIT: ………
Me: ………
VIT: ……
Me: ……
VIT: I GOT IT! IT’S RICHARD GERE!
Me: Good job.
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Do You Realize You Used the Word “Finnickle” Today?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Do you realize you used the word “finnickle” today?
Me: So?
VIT: So it’s not a word.
VIT: There’s “fickle.”
VIT: And “finnicky.”
VIT: But not “finnickle.”
Me: Oh yeah….
VIT: ……
VIT: You’re pretty stupid.
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Do You Think the Actor Who Plays Ronald McDonald Gets Paid Really Well?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Do you think the actor who plays Ronald McDonald gets paid really well?
Me: Who cares?
VIT: Like, is that his only job or do you think he is a mechanic who is also Ronald McDonald?
Me: He probably does other jobs too.
VIT: That would be a really weird side hustle.
Me: ……
VIT: Maybe he works at McDonald’s as a fry guy and they sometimes just make him be Ronald McDonald.
Me: Please go to sleep.
VIT: I wonder if he has any celebrity connections. Like, could he get a table at a fancy restaurant? Maybe he tries to wield his celebrity status and is all ‘Don’t you know who I am?” But he isn’t wearing his clown costume so people are like, “No.” And he’s like, “I’m Ronald fucking McDonald!”
Me: ……
VIT: ……
VIT: Hey, can you turn on the night light?
Me: Why?
VIT: …I’m afraid of clowns
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I’m in a Calming Meadow…
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
Me: I’m in a calming meadow…
VIT: What are you doing? I don’t like this…
Me: There is a waterfall and softly chirping birds…
VIT: STOP IT.
Me: I feel at peace and listen only to the sounds of my breathing.
Me: Innnnnnnnnnn…
Me: and ouuuuuuttttt.
Me: Innnnnnn and…
VIT: SQUACK!
Me: What the hell was that?
VIT: A bird.
Me: There are no birds! …And ouuuutttt
VIT: You said there were chirping birds.
Me: No I didn’t. There’s just the sound of the waterfall…
VIT: Pretty sure you said there were birds.
Me: Fine, but they aren’t fucking sqwuacking, they’re softly tweeting.
VIT: You know who else is softly tweeting?
Me: Innnnnnn…
VIT: Donald Trump.
Me: …and ouuuuutttt.
VIT: I bet you are going to have a sex dream about him.
Me: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!
VIT: DON’T EVER TRY TO MEDITATE ME AGAIN, BITCH!
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Is It Racist to Think Black People Are Beautiful?
It’s 2:00 a.m. These are the very important thoughts (VIT) keeping me awake:
VIT: Is it racist to think black people are beautiful?
Me: No…. Yes…. I don’t know.
VIT: Cuz, like, sometimes you see a really old black person and they are really beautiful.
Me: …What?
VIT: Ok, like you see ancient white people and they just look terrible. But black people, they just look beautiful all the time, even when they are 90.
Me: I really don’t think we should be talking about this.
VIT: Because of the sun.
VIT: ……
VIT: They have better sun tolerance.
Me: Ok, fine, black people are beautiful and have good, sun-resistant skin.
VIT: Racist.
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